Help Desk: News

Thank you for calling the Help Desk. How may we be of survival? Oh really? You're not sure how to find out when the zombie apocalypse happens? Well, no problem. Let's see what we can do for you.


One of the first indicators of a Zombie Apocalypse is buzzing news coverage! Don't bother waiting for papers. If you havn't heared someone talking about it, you'll hear it from the news. (There's also the IBZT or "Is Ben a Zombie Test" which is an accurate test for the coming zombie onslaught.)

I suggest turning on your television or checking news websites frequently. Watch nationwide news coverage from CBS, CNN, NBC, or even Fox, but be warned you might think we're a year into the apocalypse already. Word of mouth will be a strong indicator of the oncoming apocalypse. Stay informed with the day-to-day buzz and you'll be right there running with rest of us when it happens.

Also, read discusions boards talking about patient-zero, the first zombie, the first living-undead. Search it. Google the keywords: "Ben" and "Zombie" or Ask Jeeves: "Is Ben a Zombie?" Look for articles with the titles "Is or Has 'Ben' Alive" or "Has 'Ben' Zombified?" And if so, YES we're on our way to being doomed. Keep your eyes and ears open. If news spreads about someone rising on the third day, I assure you its not the second coming of Christ.

So more questions enter your concerned brain as you watch the talking heads on TV blab on-and-on about zombies. What will happen after the first zombie? Is this just an incident or will it become a "full-on" zombie apocalypse?

Simple, there will be a second zombie, then a thirty-third, a four-hundredth and so forth. They wont stop coming. Once the shit hits the fan, the blades start flinging it across the room and on the ceiling. The so reported "incident" is your notice that the "full-on" zombie apocalypse is happening now.

Let your brain chew on this. When Ben, the first zombie, is diagnosed by his doctors with re-animation--there's your clue; he is being treated and diagnosed by Doctors. Well, Doctors have Hospitals. And Hospitals have Waiting Rooms. And Waiting Rooms have "We're Screwed, It's Spreading To At Least Fifty Eagerly Waiting To Be Screwed People And Some Left For Other Hospitals!" signs.

The bad news is when you get the news, but at least you got that much of a head start.


Thank you for calling the Help Desk. Your current IBZT checks out as Yellow! Be sure to check back regularly for your free IBZT results. It has been a pleasure helping you survive.