In the world today, we're constantly being barraged by advertisements and talking heads telling us what to think, what to buy, and what to do. Considering that all the major media companies are located in the largest cities in the country, the marketing and advertising machines will surely be the first casualties in a zombie-infested future. As such, Americans will find themselves in an awkward spot where they will have to actually think for themselves for once and make decisions based only on their own intuition and that of their small enclave of fellow survivors.
This could be painfully difficult for some.
Recognizing this, I'm going to make a point to educate you now on the DOs and DON'Ts of post-apocalyptic fashion, entertainment, and cuisine, so that you'll be prepared when the day comes.
First up, some basic fashion tips:
When the news of Patient Zero first arrives, take a moment to think about what you're going to wear while untold millions of undead roam the Earth. I'm going to recommend five basic outfits:
Outfit One: Zombie Hunting Track Suit. I'd recommend finding one in deep crimson red, so that you won't have to worry about the inevitable stains from the blood splatter as you smash in their undead brains. Also, ensuring that the track suit is lightweight is key. You want to find one that breathes so that you won't break a sweat if you need to run when things get hairy. If the zombies are able to follow your scent back to the safehouse, it's all over.
Outfit Two: Camouflage Outfit. Zombies don't change their clothes. Whatever they were wearing when they were infected begins to get worn and tattered as they mindlessly roam the world searching for delicious brains. In order to fit in, you'll need to simulate this carefree style. Look in the very back of your dresser drawers for the one shirt and pair of pants you haven't worn in years. Get a pair of scissors and make several rips and tears in various spots to get the tattered effect. Next, go to your refrigerator and squirt some spaghetti sauce, mustard, maybe even some chocolate sauce and let the stains set in. Voila!
Outfits Three and Four: Weather-Appropriate Gear. It may be the end of humanity as we know it, but there is still going to be changing atmospheric conditions. Plus, no doppler forecast to warn you. All you tropical planners, you had best bring a raincoat (3) to weather those tropical storms. And if you're in the more temperate climes, be sure to pack some mittens and a scarf (4)! Also, no flip flops. If you trip in those and a fast-zombie is chasing you, it's bye-bye cerebellum.
Outfit Five: Comfy Sweats. When you're not busy escaping from or slaying the undead hordes, you've got to relax. Get some comfortable, draw-string (you may lose some weight from all that extra zombie-related exercise) lounge pants and a comfy hooded sweatshirt. Trust me.
There you have it! The five must-have outfits every saavy zombie slayer will be wearing that season. Next time, we'll talk accessorizing.
Oh, and one more thing, make sure you have a couple of pairs of (clean) underwear. Even in this hell on Earth, you should be changing them daily. We're trying to preserve our civilized culture here, after all.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tips for Building an Effective Zombie Escape Plan
We can't know what form the zombie apocalypse will take. There are many potential manifestations of the undead hordes out there. Keeping in mind that decaying flesh is likely to have a similar effect to muscle atrophy, if the "zombies" are truly corpses risen from the grave, the biggest concern facing us will be contamination or getting overwhelmed. Even those of us in the worst physical condition should be able to outrun the initial hordes and seek higher ground. A zombie apocalypse along these lines could lead to a Darwinian paradise. That might be a tad optimistic, but since a modicum of intelligence is really the only required skill here... I think you can see where I'm going.
If, in a more likely scenario, the "zombies" are alive, but severely diseased individuals whose actions mirror those of the more classic corpse zombie... well... that's a horse of a different, probably vomit-tinged color. Without the muscle decay that death brings, we're looking at a possible "fast zombie" scenario. There are several varieties of disease that could potentially alter brain chemistry enough to shut off pain receptors, increase aggression and cause a reversion to a more... natural... state (take that as code for people operating with pack mentality).
In the second eventuality, simple planning and the ability to walk will not be enough to ensure survival. Rather, it will be important to develop certain skills.
Topping the list are the following:
- Basic firearms training
While it would be ideal for you to become proficient with all manner of guns, a basic understanding of their workings will be absolutely essential. The one commonality that all manner of zombies share is that destroying the brain will stop them. The surest way to destroy the brain of a zombie while maintaining personal safety... two words: HEAD. SHOT.
That's all you need to know about guns right now. Learn to love them. And never look down the barrel. Unless you're a Miley Cyrus fan... it will be significantly less annoying than having you as a zombie so... go ahead and check out that awesome barrel, k?
- Physical Conditioning
Remember how I pointed out that, in a slow zombie situation, even the most... voluminous (that is how I shall refer to fatties) of us could still survive with basic common sense? In a fast zombie scenario that will not be the case. Both short bursts of fast running and the endurance to run several miles will be important.
If you're not even close to being able to do that... then stop reading and hit a treadmill. Seriously. Part of "stamina" is that when we are out of shape our brain tells our body to feel tired and winded so we don't strain ourselves. Obviously there is more to it than that, but this isn't an anatomy lecture so deal with it. The pain associated with overexerting yourself will not be communicated by the zombie brain. You're dealing with an enemy that will run until their feet bleed, slip on the blood and then get back up and keep running. If you can't at least handle a 5K then its been nice knowing you.
- Sexual Prowess
Bear with me here. This is more about maintaining a hopeful stance and thus surviving the several years of zombie on live-human violence that is to come. Both slow-moving-undead-zombies and fast-moving-disease-zombies are likely to decimate a large portion of the world's population. Why, you ask? Honestly, its because most of the world's population isn't very smart.
Anyway, assuming you survive wave upon wave of the risen dead, you'll likely be called upon to help repopulate the earth. That'll be the fun part, it goes without saying. So practice early and often kids. Its dark days ahead before you get that kinky kinky reward at the end of the tunnel.
Finally, on the repopulating note - I will strenuously recommend that any man or woman who had permanent anti-fertility treatments or surgeries performed, attempt to reverse them as soon as Patient Zero is discovered. Your surgeon or OB-GYN will not stay in business long with the undead running around and you're of no use to the world without the babymakers functioning.
----------------
That's all for now kids. Stay safe and if someone you don't know tries to bite you - don't be flattered - START RUNNING!
If, in a more likely scenario, the "zombies" are alive, but severely diseased individuals whose actions mirror those of the more classic corpse zombie... well... that's a horse of a different, probably vomit-tinged color. Without the muscle decay that death brings, we're looking at a possible "fast zombie" scenario. There are several varieties of disease that could potentially alter brain chemistry enough to shut off pain receptors, increase aggression and cause a reversion to a more... natural... state (take that as code for people operating with pack mentality).
In the second eventuality, simple planning and the ability to walk will not be enough to ensure survival. Rather, it will be important to develop certain skills.
Topping the list are the following:
- Basic firearms training
While it would be ideal for you to become proficient with all manner of guns, a basic understanding of their workings will be absolutely essential. The one commonality that all manner of zombies share is that destroying the brain will stop them. The surest way to destroy the brain of a zombie while maintaining personal safety... two words: HEAD. SHOT.
That's all you need to know about guns right now. Learn to love them. And never look down the barrel. Unless you're a Miley Cyrus fan... it will be significantly less annoying than having you as a zombie so... go ahead and check out that awesome barrel, k?
- Physical Conditioning
Remember how I pointed out that, in a slow zombie situation, even the most... voluminous (that is how I shall refer to fatties) of us could still survive with basic common sense? In a fast zombie scenario that will not be the case. Both short bursts of fast running and the endurance to run several miles will be important.
If you're not even close to being able to do that... then stop reading and hit a treadmill. Seriously. Part of "stamina" is that when we are out of shape our brain tells our body to feel tired and winded so we don't strain ourselves. Obviously there is more to it than that, but this isn't an anatomy lecture so deal with it. The pain associated with overexerting yourself will not be communicated by the zombie brain. You're dealing with an enemy that will run until their feet bleed, slip on the blood and then get back up and keep running. If you can't at least handle a 5K then its been nice knowing you.
- Sexual Prowess
Bear with me here. This is more about maintaining a hopeful stance and thus surviving the several years of zombie on live-human violence that is to come. Both slow-moving-undead-zombies and fast-moving-disease-zombies are likely to decimate a large portion of the world's population. Why, you ask? Honestly, its because most of the world's population isn't very smart.
Anyway, assuming you survive wave upon wave of the risen dead, you'll likely be called upon to help repopulate the earth. That'll be the fun part, it goes without saying. So practice early and often kids. Its dark days ahead before you get that kinky kinky reward at the end of the tunnel.
Finally, on the repopulating note - I will strenuously recommend that any man or woman who had permanent anti-fertility treatments or surgeries performed, attempt to reverse them as soon as Patient Zero is discovered. Your surgeon or OB-GYN will not stay in business long with the undead running around and you're of no use to the world without the babymakers functioning.
----------------
That's all for now kids. Stay safe and if someone you don't know tries to bite you - don't be flattered - START RUNNING!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
None of This Will Matter
...but right now it totally does.
I'm desperately putting off getting ready for my career services meeting. Well, that's an overstatement. Its in an hour and I totally have this under control. Really. Its just that PJ's and an unmade bad are, quite frankly, really decadent for me right now. And everyone needs a little decadence in their life at times. So on goes the music...
There's not much to get ready for anyway. I know exactly what I'm going to tell them.
- I want a job in criminal prosecutions or public interest law.
- I want it to be in one of the major east coast markets: Boston, NYC, DC, Miami? (yeah, not so much).
- I want to get paid.
Its the last one that narrows the job search quite a bit. Public interest law and paid internship aren't terms that go together as much as law firm and paid internship do. We'll see how it goes.
Then, joy of joys, I have a dentist appointment. I mention that not because it is interesting now, but because it has major implications for when the zombie apocalypse comes. It seems prudent to throw in a little tidbit with all the mundane goodness of my life. Ya know, so there will be more people around to repopulate the earth... and stuff.
Anyway...
Zombie Tip of the Day
Take regular trips to the dentist.
Once the zombie apocalypse comes, there is simply not going to be universal healthcare (take that Obama). More importantly, there won't be a lot of dentists hanging around to clean your teeth. If they're smart they'll have activated their own evacuation plans already.
Dirty teeth are a major cause of serious illness. How annoying would it be to fend off the zombie hoards just to die of gingivitis or something a year later? That's a 'shake your fist at God' moment right there. But it doesn't have to be! Just make sure your teeth are sparkly and cavity free while society is still in tact and keep a toothbrush in your survival kit.
That's all for now! Keep working on those Evac Plans, kids!
I'm desperately putting off getting ready for my career services meeting. Well, that's an overstatement. Its in an hour and I totally have this under control. Really. Its just that PJ's and an unmade bad are, quite frankly, really decadent for me right now. And everyone needs a little decadence in their life at times. So on goes the music...
There's not much to get ready for anyway. I know exactly what I'm going to tell them.
- I want a job in criminal prosecutions or public interest law.
- I want it to be in one of the major east coast markets: Boston, NYC, DC, Miami? (yeah, not so much).
- I want to get paid.
Its the last one that narrows the job search quite a bit. Public interest law and paid internship aren't terms that go together as much as law firm and paid internship do. We'll see how it goes.
Then, joy of joys, I have a dentist appointment. I mention that not because it is interesting now, but because it has major implications for when the zombie apocalypse comes. It seems prudent to throw in a little tidbit with all the mundane goodness of my life. Ya know, so there will be more people around to repopulate the earth... and stuff.
Anyway...
Zombie Tip of the Day
Take regular trips to the dentist.
Once the zombie apocalypse comes, there is simply not going to be universal healthcare (take that Obama). More importantly, there won't be a lot of dentists hanging around to clean your teeth. If they're smart they'll have activated their own evacuation plans already.
Dirty teeth are a major cause of serious illness. How annoying would it be to fend off the zombie hoards just to die of gingivitis or something a year later? That's a 'shake your fist at God' moment right there. But it doesn't have to be! Just make sure your teeth are sparkly and cavity free while society is still in tact and keep a toothbrush in your survival kit.
That's all for now! Keep working on those Evac Plans, kids!
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