Post-Apocalyptic Fashion

In the world today, we're constantly being barraged by advertisements and talking heads telling us what to think, what to buy, and what to do. Considering that all the major media companies are located in the largest cities in the country, the marketing and advertising machines will surely be the first casualties in a zombie-infested future. As such, Americans will find themselves in an awkward spot where they will have to actually think for themselves for once and make decisions based only on their own intuition and that of their small enclave of fellow survivors.

This could be painfully difficult for some.

Recognizing this, I'm going to make a point to educate you now on the DOs and DON'Ts of post-apocalyptic fashion, entertainment, and cuisine, so that you'll be prepared when the day comes.

First up, some basic fashion tips:

When the news of Patient Zero first arrives, take a moment to think about what you're going to wear while untold millions of undead roam the Earth. I'm going to recommend five basic outfits:

Outfit One: Zombie Hunting Track Suit. I'd recommend finding one in deep crimson red, so that you won't have to worry about the inevitable stains from the blood splatter as you smash in their undead brains. Also, ensuring that the track suit is lightweight is key. You want to find one that breathes so that you won't break a sweat if you need to run when things get hairy. If the zombies are able to follow your scent back to the safehouse, it's all over.

Outfit Two: Camouflage Outfit. Zombies don't change their clothes. Whatever they were wearing when they were infected begins to get worn and tattered as they mindlessly roam the world searching for delicious brains. In order to fit in, you'll need to simulate this carefree style. Look in the very back of your dresser drawers for the one shirt and pair of pants you haven't worn in years. Get a pair of scissors and make several rips and tears in various spots to get the tattered effect. Next, go to your refrigerator and squirt some spaghetti sauce, mustard, maybe even some chocolate sauce and let the stains set in. Voila!

Outfits Three and Four: Weather-Appropriate Gear. It may be the end of humanity as we know it, but there is still going to be changing atmospheric conditions. Plus, no doppler forecast to warn you. All you tropical planners, you had best bring a raincoat (3) to weather those tropical storms. And if you're in the more temperate climes, be sure to pack some mittens and a scarf (4)! Also, no flip flops. If you trip in those and a fast-zombie is chasing you, it's bye-bye cerebellum.

Outfit Five: Comfy Sweats. When you're not busy escaping from or slaying the undead hordes, you've got to relax. Get some comfortable, draw-string (you may lose some weight from all that extra zombie-related exercise) lounge pants and a comfy hooded sweatshirt. Trust me.

There you have it! The five must-have outfits every saavy zombie slayer will be wearing that season. Next time, we'll talk accessorizing.

Oh, and one more thing, make sure you have a couple of pairs of (clean) underwear. Even in this hell on Earth, you should be changing them daily. We're trying to preserve our civilized culture here, after all.