My deepest apologies to our readers for being gone so long. In my perpetual quest to enlighten the ignorant masses I attempted to begin researching zombie scholarship. That was a bust. The field is sorely lacking in any real analysis or prediction science.
Though before I continue my personal rant on the failure of zombie authors to fully address the coming concerns, I must concede, of course, that one manual and historial analysis does exist. I'm referring of course to Max Brooks' Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z. I've recently discovered a brief, but deeply helpful primary source on the aftermath of the infection. Zombies: A Record of the Year of Infection, posits that food additives building up in our systems may be responsible for the zombie menace.
This is not a particularly far-fetched theory, as chemical imbalances of a less serious nature can lead to all sorts of behavioral changes in individuals. That being said, the idea that such a plague could be spread as a contagion is a less reasonable proposition. The author had to go so far as offering the results of a non-scientific trial as though it were fact. He claimed that mixing a blood sample from a zombie and a human would congeal the blood, thus essentially poisoning the system of the human and leading to zombification.
Call me a skeptic, but this seems to be a simple throwback to the irrationally fearful crowd in a vain attempt to sell a book. Congealed blood? You see, my friends, this is a primary example of the problems facing zombie scholarship right now. Like the muckraking journalists of the 19th century, authors have free reign to claim just about anything they so desire. While some texts are clearly more authoritative than others, there is still no established medium that promises accuracy and careful scholarship.
By far the most disheartening experience we've faced in recent memory was in an attempt to practice some of the skills we've recently learned. Your faithful zombie analysts hopped in a car and drove an hour out into the country to a range promising the zombie survival experience. Unfortunately, they too were not taking this situation seriously enough. Perhaps it was wishful thinking to believe that we would be facing actual zombies, but to instead be playing duck hunt (for all intensive purposes) with a single teenager in a costume and a paintball gun was, well, disheartening. That is perhaps the only way to describe it. As a Halloween attraction it was amusing, at best. As practice for the coming hordes, it was sadly inadequate.
Until later, I will continue looking for authoritative texts on the coming dark days as, I think it goes without saying, there simply is not enough information available at present. As my research continues, I will attempt to build a set of comprehensive escape plans allowing as many people to survive as possible. Of course, there must be multiple plans as, if everyone did the same thing, there would not be enough resources to sustain them all.
Keep safe and keep informed!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Help Desk: Middle Management
Thank you for calling the Help Desk. How may we be of survival? Oh really? Your boss is giving you crap and you're calling me to help you? Well, let me tell you something about middle management!
You're getting your work done. Everything is going fine. You are meeting quota. Nothing more, nothing less. The phone rings and it's guess who, your boss.
Almost in zombic pentameter you slave to perfect rhythm for these people and what do they give you? A bucket of their brains because they feel you should know that they will never be happy with you or the work you do. No matter how big you smile. No matter how hard the trial. We are defiled by the thoughts they bring.
The other day down in Lab C, which is the containment and processing lab for blood samples etc, think CSI but for Zombies. We were watching Jordan take care of some samples recently acquired from Eastern Europe. Obviously nothing is showing positive for the strain we're looking for. It’s probably just another twitching corpse.
Well, my boss leans over and whispers, "What do you think of Jordan's hair?" I'm like what the--it's longer than most but whatever nothing unusual--are you kidding me. Of course this is all in my head, but I tell my boss nonchalant ya know, it’s cool, a bit trendy. He snaps back at me "well, I don't like it. He should cut it and what are you talking about? It's not trendy. Short hair is trendy. Like mine." My boss storms off to Lab B, quarantine, leaving me confused as hell.
We only have two labs here; B and C. Technically, we had three, but we converted Lab A into reception, where the lovely Miss Sarah takes care of the front desk. She has nice legs. But, uh, Lab B is for quarantine of unusual substances that may pertain to re-animation and the undead etc. We have a few muscle spastic squirrels, a couple of plants, strange algae, and then an opossum my boss says reanimated in front of his car.
He supposedly hit the opossum on the way in a few weeks ago. Of course the animal is the lively of the lot. And it’s not dead, or undead, but my boss swears on his own grave that the opossum came back! Whatever, it’s an opossum, they play dead. We even named it Charlie because he loves to sit on top of the mountain of documents on Jordan's desk.
My boss. I hate the guy. He set me up with that horrible loaded question, "how's Jordan's hair?" blah blah whatever. I just hope they eat his brains. While he's at home and not at work.
Thank you for calling the Help Desk. Your current IBZT checks out as Blue! This is a good thing, don't worry folks! Be sure to check back regularly for your free IBZT results. It has been a pleasure helping you survive.
You're getting your work done. Everything is going fine. You are meeting quota. Nothing more, nothing less. The phone rings and it's guess who, your boss.
Almost in zombic pentameter you slave to perfect rhythm for these people and what do they give you? A bucket of their brains because they feel you should know that they will never be happy with you or the work you do. No matter how big you smile. No matter how hard the trial. We are defiled by the thoughts they bring.
The other day down in Lab C, which is the containment and processing lab for blood samples etc, think CSI but for Zombies. We were watching Jordan take care of some samples recently acquired from Eastern Europe. Obviously nothing is showing positive for the strain we're looking for. It’s probably just another twitching corpse.
Well, my boss leans over and whispers, "What do you think of Jordan's hair?" I'm like what the--it's longer than most but whatever nothing unusual--are you kidding me. Of course this is all in my head, but I tell my boss nonchalant ya know, it’s cool, a bit trendy. He snaps back at me "well, I don't like it. He should cut it and what are you talking about? It's not trendy. Short hair is trendy. Like mine." My boss storms off to Lab B, quarantine, leaving me confused as hell.
We only have two labs here; B and C. Technically, we had three, but we converted Lab A into reception, where the lovely Miss Sarah takes care of the front desk. She has nice legs. But, uh, Lab B is for quarantine of unusual substances that may pertain to re-animation and the undead etc. We have a few muscle spastic squirrels, a couple of plants, strange algae, and then an opossum my boss says reanimated in front of his car.
He supposedly hit the opossum on the way in a few weeks ago. Of course the animal is the lively of the lot. And it’s not dead, or undead, but my boss swears on his own grave that the opossum came back! Whatever, it’s an opossum, they play dead. We even named it Charlie because he loves to sit on top of the mountain of documents on Jordan's desk.
My boss. I hate the guy. He set me up with that horrible loaded question, "how's Jordan's hair?" blah blah whatever. I just hope they eat his brains. While he's at home and not at work.
Thank you for calling the Help Desk. Your current IBZT checks out as Blue! This is a good thing, don't worry folks! Be sure to check back regularly for your free IBZT results. It has been a pleasure helping you survive.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Help Desk: News
Thank you for calling the Help Desk. How may we be of survival? Oh really? You're not sure how to find out when the zombie apocalypse happens? Well, no problem. Let's see what we can do for you.
One of the first indicators of a Zombie Apocalypse is buzzing news coverage! Don't bother waiting for papers. If you havn't heared someone talking about it, you'll hear it from the news. (There's also the IBZT or "Is Ben a Zombie Test" which is an accurate test for the coming zombie onslaught.)
I suggest turning on your television or checking news websites frequently. Watch nationwide news coverage from CBS, CNN, NBC, or even Fox, but be warned you might think we're a year into the apocalypse already. Word of mouth will be a strong indicator of the oncoming apocalypse. Stay informed with the day-to-day buzz and you'll be right there running with rest of us when it happens.
Also, read discusions boards talking about patient-zero, the first zombie, the first living-undead. Search it. Google the keywords: "Ben" and "Zombie" or Ask Jeeves: "Is Ben a Zombie?" Look for articles with the titles "Is or Has 'Ben' Alive" or "Has 'Ben' Zombified?" And if so, YES we're on our way to being doomed. Keep your eyes and ears open. If news spreads about someone rising on the third day, I assure you its not the second coming of Christ.
So more questions enter your concerned brain as you watch the talking heads on TV blab on-and-on about zombies. What will happen after the first zombie? Is this just an incident or will it become a "full-on" zombie apocalypse?
Simple, there will be a second zombie, then a thirty-third, a four-hundredth and so forth. They wont stop coming. Once the shit hits the fan, the blades start flinging it across the room and on the ceiling. The so reported "incident" is your notice that the "full-on" zombie apocalypse is happening now.
Let your brain chew on this. When Ben, the first zombie, is diagnosed by his doctors with re-animation--there's your clue; he is being treated and diagnosed by Doctors. Well, Doctors have Hospitals. And Hospitals have Waiting Rooms. And Waiting Rooms have "We're Screwed, It's Spreading To At Least Fifty Eagerly Waiting To Be Screwed People And Some Left For Other Hospitals!" signs.
The bad news is when you get the news, but at least you got that much of a head start.
Thank you for calling the Help Desk. Your current IBZT checks out as Yellow! Be sure to check back regularly for your free IBZT results. It has been a pleasure helping you survive.
One of the first indicators of a Zombie Apocalypse is buzzing news coverage! Don't bother waiting for papers. If you havn't heared someone talking about it, you'll hear it from the news. (There's also the IBZT or "Is Ben a Zombie Test" which is an accurate test for the coming zombie onslaught.)
I suggest turning on your television or checking news websites frequently. Watch nationwide news coverage from CBS, CNN, NBC, or even Fox, but be warned you might think we're a year into the apocalypse already. Word of mouth will be a strong indicator of the oncoming apocalypse. Stay informed with the day-to-day buzz and you'll be right there running with rest of us when it happens.
Also, read discusions boards talking about patient-zero, the first zombie, the first living-undead. Search it. Google the keywords: "Ben" and "Zombie" or Ask Jeeves: "Is Ben a Zombie?" Look for articles with the titles "Is or Has 'Ben' Alive" or "Has 'Ben' Zombified?" And if so, YES we're on our way to being doomed. Keep your eyes and ears open. If news spreads about someone rising on the third day, I assure you its not the second coming of Christ.
So more questions enter your concerned brain as you watch the talking heads on TV blab on-and-on about zombies. What will happen after the first zombie? Is this just an incident or will it become a "full-on" zombie apocalypse?
Simple, there will be a second zombie, then a thirty-third, a four-hundredth and so forth. They wont stop coming. Once the shit hits the fan, the blades start flinging it across the room and on the ceiling. The so reported "incident" is your notice that the "full-on" zombie apocalypse is happening now.
Let your brain chew on this. When Ben, the first zombie, is diagnosed by his doctors with re-animation--there's your clue; he is being treated and diagnosed by Doctors. Well, Doctors have Hospitals. And Hospitals have Waiting Rooms. And Waiting Rooms have "We're Screwed, It's Spreading To At Least Fifty Eagerly Waiting To Be Screwed People And Some Left For Other Hospitals!" signs.
The bad news is when you get the news, but at least you got that much of a head start.
Thank you for calling the Help Desk. Your current IBZT checks out as Yellow! Be sure to check back regularly for your free IBZT results. It has been a pleasure helping you survive.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Canada
So in this time of overpopulation, most diseases spread best in crowded urban centers, non less than a virus which turns your neighbors who live in the brownstone next door into flesh eating neighbors. Clearly, if Stephen and Rachel aren't infected, you can team up with them to survive. However, if they become ravenous, you won't be inviting them over to play Cranium.
. . .Unless you are me.
I love Cranium. And incidentally, so do zombies.
So if the cities aren't safe, where should I go?
Canada.
. . .
Yes, Canada.
This land of universal healthcare and maple leaves has two things going for it.
Open land, and Cold. Open Land allows a resourceful survivor to avoid human, and also zombie contact. The cold will slow up the zombies, and allow for easier escape.
So run to Canada, a land which will become a haven for survivors.
Except don't go to Quebec. Screw them.
Fucking Quebecois.
Your dutiful survivor,
Ben.
. . .Unless you are me.
I love Cranium. And incidentally, so do zombies.
So if the cities aren't safe, where should I go?
Canada.
. . .
Yes, Canada.
This land of universal healthcare and maple leaves has two things going for it.
Open land, and Cold. Open Land allows a resourceful survivor to avoid human, and also zombie contact. The cold will slow up the zombies, and allow for easier escape.
So run to Canada, a land which will become a haven for survivors.
Except don't go to Quebec. Screw them.
Fucking Quebecois.
Your dutiful survivor,
Ben.
Hey that URL is disturbing . . .
Well, I'm running on less that an hour's sleep, due to either the rampaging hoards of zombies (slow, not fast - fast zombies are a myth) or some bitch named Alex Mendez, I'm not sure. More on this later.
Well, clearly, as the web address claims, someone will be the first to die in a zombie apocalypse, but it clearly wasn't me. How did I survive when all of my compatriots left me for dead? Soon to come. Hint, it involves copious amounts of fire.
Out.
P.S. It is absolutely awful when I start to do all of my ellipses in the legal style. (period space period space period)
Well, clearly, as the web address claims, someone will be the first to die in a zombie apocalypse, but it clearly wasn't me. How did I survive when all of my compatriots left me for dead? Soon to come. Hint, it involves copious amounts of fire.
Out.
P.S. It is absolutely awful when I start to do all of my ellipses in the legal style. (period space period space period)
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Illness
This week as been kind of a long week so far. I've been sick for most of it and it's not even Wednesday yet. I have a stupid sore throat, stuffy head and sore joints. The only thing I have been able to do is lay on the couch and sip green tea. So there really isn't a whole lot to report yet, so instead lets just get right into the good stuff.
Now we all know that illness can be a real drag, especially when trying to remain undetected by the undead. Here are a few helpful tips to help keep you healthy and safe from everything from the common cold and to the Solanum virus. (For those of you who do not know, the disease that causes the dead to become undead is called Solanum virus). In this age of health care, doctors, and medicine, having the most basic of health care is critical. Before the dead rise, and before most hospitals become undead traps, take full advantage of seeing a doctor for a wide variety of things.
1) Allergies. If you thing that you possibly have allergies to anything, be it shell fish or basic dust, a simple allergy test will give you the advantage of knowing this before it becomes a problem.
2) Injuries. The LAST thing you need to worry about during an uprising is that damn bum knee you have. GO TO THE DOCTORS! Stop thinking that if you just rest if that it will get better. The gamble that it might get better verses the chances that it'll hurt your further is not worth it.
3) The old fashion, common cold. Now while a doctors visit may be unnecessary as a basic cold can be treated with "over the counter" medicines, an Upper Respiratory Infection may cause a few extra problems. Should it be a cold, have all the supplies needed to treat it. Think of it this way, do you really want to give your position away to the zombies because of a stupid cough. Cough Drops people. So you might want to start stocking up now. On the other hand, should you have a URI, having it not only diagnosed but treated with antibiotics will keep it from turning into something much worse.
Now as I stated, staying away from Hospitals before, during and after the up rising starts, it may be necessary to go to Hospitals. This truly should be a last resort option for the simple fact that hospitals will be crawling with former patients, visitors and staff. One option to research before going into a hospital would be a wide range of herb remedies that could treat your symptoms. Humans have been using herbs, plants and spices for ages to treat illnesses. A knowledge of plants and herbs, as well as possible allergies or allergic reactions(see earlier reasoning) will assist you in treatments.
IF you must go to a hospital, there are some simple things to remember...
1) Structural/Building knowledge. If it is at all possible, find someone who worked at the hospital or worked on its construction because knowing a building lay out will be one of your greatest ally. The in's and out's, the areas of highest zombie concentration, and most important, where your target objective will be at. So if your going for medications, knowing how to get in, get it and get out with a little zombie attention will be to your benefit.
2) Dangers. Besides zombies, a hospital is a melting pot of fungus, viruses and diseases that are just as deadly as the zombies. Non-functional lights, barricaded or destroyed stair wells, rotting floors....the list goes on and on. Swift but careful and calculated movements will be needed to retrieve whatever it is you are looking for.
3) Safe Zones. You are in the lions den, staring at the lion and his company. You are separated from your group and are now on your own. Do you know what to do? All to often a group goes half cocked on a raiding mission and half, if not all, never return. Knowledge is the best weapon that we have. Lets start using it people. If you know that an infested area is getting the best of you and the chances of separation are increasing, having a detailed plan to fall back on will save your ass.
This last bit of information may be a little......strange, but these are strange times.
4)Candy Stripe Nurse Zombies. Now I know what your thinking, who would fuck a zombie....WELL, the question should be who wouldn't want to. Vampire freaks fuck other humans, why not zombie freaks. A few basic things to remember. Foreplay is good under most circumstances. Biting; Good idea. Zombie biting; Bad idea. The simple fix for this will be to gag the zombie and then duck tape its mouth. Sorry gent's but oral sex with a zombie will just not end well for you. Another idea for you S&M types out there, a gag ball is always a possibility. Another thing to remember is the fact that diseases can still be spread, so make sure that you use the proper protection. Over all, I would not highly recommend this because, well, you think it was bad when parents walked in on you having sex when you weren't prepared. Think about the problems you will have when the flesh eaters stagger in on you and you aren't prepared.
Now for humans on humans, the best thing you can do for yourself is keep your weapons next to you at all times. However, not all positions leave you capable of reaching your weapons. Such positions like Missionary will leave you in a vulnerable state, and who knows if that will be the time they converge on your location. So, such positions as Reverse Missionary for the women and Doggy Style for the Gent's will keep your hands free and your eyes a fixed to whatever may stumble onto you.
Until next time, keep your weapons clean, your ears open and your sex drive pumping. Come on people, we eventually will need to repopulate.
~The Cajun Zombie
Now we all know that illness can be a real drag, especially when trying to remain undetected by the undead. Here are a few helpful tips to help keep you healthy and safe from everything from the common cold and to the Solanum virus. (For those of you who do not know, the disease that causes the dead to become undead is called Solanum virus). In this age of health care, doctors, and medicine, having the most basic of health care is critical. Before the dead rise, and before most hospitals become undead traps, take full advantage of seeing a doctor for a wide variety of things.
1) Allergies. If you thing that you possibly have allergies to anything, be it shell fish or basic dust, a simple allergy test will give you the advantage of knowing this before it becomes a problem.
2) Injuries. The LAST thing you need to worry about during an uprising is that damn bum knee you have. GO TO THE DOCTORS! Stop thinking that if you just rest if that it will get better. The gamble that it might get better verses the chances that it'll hurt your further is not worth it.
3) The old fashion, common cold. Now while a doctors visit may be unnecessary as a basic cold can be treated with "over the counter" medicines, an Upper Respiratory Infection may cause a few extra problems. Should it be a cold, have all the supplies needed to treat it. Think of it this way, do you really want to give your position away to the zombies because of a stupid cough. Cough Drops people. So you might want to start stocking up now. On the other hand, should you have a URI, having it not only diagnosed but treated with antibiotics will keep it from turning into something much worse.
Now as I stated, staying away from Hospitals before, during and after the up rising starts, it may be necessary to go to Hospitals. This truly should be a last resort option for the simple fact that hospitals will be crawling with former patients, visitors and staff. One option to research before going into a hospital would be a wide range of herb remedies that could treat your symptoms. Humans have been using herbs, plants and spices for ages to treat illnesses. A knowledge of plants and herbs, as well as possible allergies or allergic reactions(see earlier reasoning) will assist you in treatments.
IF you must go to a hospital, there are some simple things to remember...
1) Structural/Building knowledge. If it is at all possible, find someone who worked at the hospital or worked on its construction because knowing a building lay out will be one of your greatest ally. The in's and out's, the areas of highest zombie concentration, and most important, where your target objective will be at. So if your going for medications, knowing how to get in, get it and get out with a little zombie attention will be to your benefit.
2) Dangers. Besides zombies, a hospital is a melting pot of fungus, viruses and diseases that are just as deadly as the zombies. Non-functional lights, barricaded or destroyed stair wells, rotting floors....the list goes on and on. Swift but careful and calculated movements will be needed to retrieve whatever it is you are looking for.
3) Safe Zones. You are in the lions den, staring at the lion and his company. You are separated from your group and are now on your own. Do you know what to do? All to often a group goes half cocked on a raiding mission and half, if not all, never return. Knowledge is the best weapon that we have. Lets start using it people. If you know that an infested area is getting the best of you and the chances of separation are increasing, having a detailed plan to fall back on will save your ass.
This last bit of information may be a little......strange, but these are strange times.
4)Candy Stripe Nurse Zombies. Now I know what your thinking, who would fuck a zombie....WELL, the question should be who wouldn't want to. Vampire freaks fuck other humans, why not zombie freaks. A few basic things to remember. Foreplay is good under most circumstances. Biting; Good idea. Zombie biting; Bad idea. The simple fix for this will be to gag the zombie and then duck tape its mouth. Sorry gent's but oral sex with a zombie will just not end well for you. Another idea for you S&M types out there, a gag ball is always a possibility. Another thing to remember is the fact that diseases can still be spread, so make sure that you use the proper protection. Over all, I would not highly recommend this because, well, you think it was bad when parents walked in on you having sex when you weren't prepared. Think about the problems you will have when the flesh eaters stagger in on you and you aren't prepared.
Now for humans on humans, the best thing you can do for yourself is keep your weapons next to you at all times. However, not all positions leave you capable of reaching your weapons. Such positions like Missionary will leave you in a vulnerable state, and who knows if that will be the time they converge on your location. So, such positions as Reverse Missionary for the women and Doggy Style for the Gent's will keep your hands free and your eyes a fixed to whatever may stumble onto you.
Until next time, keep your weapons clean, your ears open and your sex drive pumping. Come on people, we eventually will need to repopulate.
~The Cajun Zombie
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Post-Apocalyptic Fashion
In the world today, we're constantly being barraged by advertisements and talking heads telling us what to think, what to buy, and what to do. Considering that all the major media companies are located in the largest cities in the country, the marketing and advertising machines will surely be the first casualties in a zombie-infested future. As such, Americans will find themselves in an awkward spot where they will have to actually think for themselves for once and make decisions based only on their own intuition and that of their small enclave of fellow survivors.
This could be painfully difficult for some.
Recognizing this, I'm going to make a point to educate you now on the DOs and DON'Ts of post-apocalyptic fashion, entertainment, and cuisine, so that you'll be prepared when the day comes.
First up, some basic fashion tips:
When the news of Patient Zero first arrives, take a moment to think about what you're going to wear while untold millions of undead roam the Earth. I'm going to recommend five basic outfits:
Outfit One: Zombie Hunting Track Suit. I'd recommend finding one in deep crimson red, so that you won't have to worry about the inevitable stains from the blood splatter as you smash in their undead brains. Also, ensuring that the track suit is lightweight is key. You want to find one that breathes so that you won't break a sweat if you need to run when things get hairy. If the zombies are able to follow your scent back to the safehouse, it's all over.
Outfit Two: Camouflage Outfit. Zombies don't change their clothes. Whatever they were wearing when they were infected begins to get worn and tattered as they mindlessly roam the world searching for delicious brains. In order to fit in, you'll need to simulate this carefree style. Look in the very back of your dresser drawers for the one shirt and pair of pants you haven't worn in years. Get a pair of scissors and make several rips and tears in various spots to get the tattered effect. Next, go to your refrigerator and squirt some spaghetti sauce, mustard, maybe even some chocolate sauce and let the stains set in. Voila!
Outfits Three and Four: Weather-Appropriate Gear. It may be the end of humanity as we know it, but there is still going to be changing atmospheric conditions. Plus, no doppler forecast to warn you. All you tropical planners, you had best bring a raincoat (3) to weather those tropical storms. And if you're in the more temperate climes, be sure to pack some mittens and a scarf (4)! Also, no flip flops. If you trip in those and a fast-zombie is chasing you, it's bye-bye cerebellum.
Outfit Five: Comfy Sweats. When you're not busy escaping from or slaying the undead hordes, you've got to relax. Get some comfortable, draw-string (you may lose some weight from all that extra zombie-related exercise) lounge pants and a comfy hooded sweatshirt. Trust me.
There you have it! The five must-have outfits every saavy zombie slayer will be wearing that season. Next time, we'll talk accessorizing.
Oh, and one more thing, make sure you have a couple of pairs of (clean) underwear. Even in this hell on Earth, you should be changing them daily. We're trying to preserve our civilized culture here, after all.
This could be painfully difficult for some.
Recognizing this, I'm going to make a point to educate you now on the DOs and DON'Ts of post-apocalyptic fashion, entertainment, and cuisine, so that you'll be prepared when the day comes.
First up, some basic fashion tips:
When the news of Patient Zero first arrives, take a moment to think about what you're going to wear while untold millions of undead roam the Earth. I'm going to recommend five basic outfits:
Outfit One: Zombie Hunting Track Suit. I'd recommend finding one in deep crimson red, so that you won't have to worry about the inevitable stains from the blood splatter as you smash in their undead brains. Also, ensuring that the track suit is lightweight is key. You want to find one that breathes so that you won't break a sweat if you need to run when things get hairy. If the zombies are able to follow your scent back to the safehouse, it's all over.
Outfit Two: Camouflage Outfit. Zombies don't change their clothes. Whatever they were wearing when they were infected begins to get worn and tattered as they mindlessly roam the world searching for delicious brains. In order to fit in, you'll need to simulate this carefree style. Look in the very back of your dresser drawers for the one shirt and pair of pants you haven't worn in years. Get a pair of scissors and make several rips and tears in various spots to get the tattered effect. Next, go to your refrigerator and squirt some spaghetti sauce, mustard, maybe even some chocolate sauce and let the stains set in. Voila!
Outfits Three and Four: Weather-Appropriate Gear. It may be the end of humanity as we know it, but there is still going to be changing atmospheric conditions. Plus, no doppler forecast to warn you. All you tropical planners, you had best bring a raincoat (3) to weather those tropical storms. And if you're in the more temperate climes, be sure to pack some mittens and a scarf (4)! Also, no flip flops. If you trip in those and a fast-zombie is chasing you, it's bye-bye cerebellum.
Outfit Five: Comfy Sweats. When you're not busy escaping from or slaying the undead hordes, you've got to relax. Get some comfortable, draw-string (you may lose some weight from all that extra zombie-related exercise) lounge pants and a comfy hooded sweatshirt. Trust me.
There you have it! The five must-have outfits every saavy zombie slayer will be wearing that season. Next time, we'll talk accessorizing.
Oh, and one more thing, make sure you have a couple of pairs of (clean) underwear. Even in this hell on Earth, you should be changing them daily. We're trying to preserve our civilized culture here, after all.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tips for Building an Effective Zombie Escape Plan
We can't know what form the zombie apocalypse will take. There are many potential manifestations of the undead hordes out there. Keeping in mind that decaying flesh is likely to have a similar effect to muscle atrophy, if the "zombies" are truly corpses risen from the grave, the biggest concern facing us will be contamination or getting overwhelmed. Even those of us in the worst physical condition should be able to outrun the initial hordes and seek higher ground. A zombie apocalypse along these lines could lead to a Darwinian paradise. That might be a tad optimistic, but since a modicum of intelligence is really the only required skill here... I think you can see where I'm going.
If, in a more likely scenario, the "zombies" are alive, but severely diseased individuals whose actions mirror those of the more classic corpse zombie... well... that's a horse of a different, probably vomit-tinged color. Without the muscle decay that death brings, we're looking at a possible "fast zombie" scenario. There are several varieties of disease that could potentially alter brain chemistry enough to shut off pain receptors, increase aggression and cause a reversion to a more... natural... state (take that as code for people operating with pack mentality).
In the second eventuality, simple planning and the ability to walk will not be enough to ensure survival. Rather, it will be important to develop certain skills.
Topping the list are the following:
- Basic firearms training
While it would be ideal for you to become proficient with all manner of guns, a basic understanding of their workings will be absolutely essential. The one commonality that all manner of zombies share is that destroying the brain will stop them. The surest way to destroy the brain of a zombie while maintaining personal safety... two words: HEAD. SHOT.
That's all you need to know about guns right now. Learn to love them. And never look down the barrel. Unless you're a Miley Cyrus fan... it will be significantly less annoying than having you as a zombie so... go ahead and check out that awesome barrel, k?
- Physical Conditioning
Remember how I pointed out that, in a slow zombie situation, even the most... voluminous (that is how I shall refer to fatties) of us could still survive with basic common sense? In a fast zombie scenario that will not be the case. Both short bursts of fast running and the endurance to run several miles will be important.
If you're not even close to being able to do that... then stop reading and hit a treadmill. Seriously. Part of "stamina" is that when we are out of shape our brain tells our body to feel tired and winded so we don't strain ourselves. Obviously there is more to it than that, but this isn't an anatomy lecture so deal with it. The pain associated with overexerting yourself will not be communicated by the zombie brain. You're dealing with an enemy that will run until their feet bleed, slip on the blood and then get back up and keep running. If you can't at least handle a 5K then its been nice knowing you.
- Sexual Prowess
Bear with me here. This is more about maintaining a hopeful stance and thus surviving the several years of zombie on live-human violence that is to come. Both slow-moving-undead-zombies and fast-moving-disease-zombies are likely to decimate a large portion of the world's population. Why, you ask? Honestly, its because most of the world's population isn't very smart.
Anyway, assuming you survive wave upon wave of the risen dead, you'll likely be called upon to help repopulate the earth. That'll be the fun part, it goes without saying. So practice early and often kids. Its dark days ahead before you get that kinky kinky reward at the end of the tunnel.
Finally, on the repopulating note - I will strenuously recommend that any man or woman who had permanent anti-fertility treatments or surgeries performed, attempt to reverse them as soon as Patient Zero is discovered. Your surgeon or OB-GYN will not stay in business long with the undead running around and you're of no use to the world without the babymakers functioning.
----------------
That's all for now kids. Stay safe and if someone you don't know tries to bite you - don't be flattered - START RUNNING!
If, in a more likely scenario, the "zombies" are alive, but severely diseased individuals whose actions mirror those of the more classic corpse zombie... well... that's a horse of a different, probably vomit-tinged color. Without the muscle decay that death brings, we're looking at a possible "fast zombie" scenario. There are several varieties of disease that could potentially alter brain chemistry enough to shut off pain receptors, increase aggression and cause a reversion to a more... natural... state (take that as code for people operating with pack mentality).
In the second eventuality, simple planning and the ability to walk will not be enough to ensure survival. Rather, it will be important to develop certain skills.
Topping the list are the following:
- Basic firearms training
While it would be ideal for you to become proficient with all manner of guns, a basic understanding of their workings will be absolutely essential. The one commonality that all manner of zombies share is that destroying the brain will stop them. The surest way to destroy the brain of a zombie while maintaining personal safety... two words: HEAD. SHOT.
That's all you need to know about guns right now. Learn to love them. And never look down the barrel. Unless you're a Miley Cyrus fan... it will be significantly less annoying than having you as a zombie so... go ahead and check out that awesome barrel, k?
- Physical Conditioning
Remember how I pointed out that, in a slow zombie situation, even the most... voluminous (that is how I shall refer to fatties) of us could still survive with basic common sense? In a fast zombie scenario that will not be the case. Both short bursts of fast running and the endurance to run several miles will be important.
If you're not even close to being able to do that... then stop reading and hit a treadmill. Seriously. Part of "stamina" is that when we are out of shape our brain tells our body to feel tired and winded so we don't strain ourselves. Obviously there is more to it than that, but this isn't an anatomy lecture so deal with it. The pain associated with overexerting yourself will not be communicated by the zombie brain. You're dealing with an enemy that will run until their feet bleed, slip on the blood and then get back up and keep running. If you can't at least handle a 5K then its been nice knowing you.
- Sexual Prowess
Bear with me here. This is more about maintaining a hopeful stance and thus surviving the several years of zombie on live-human violence that is to come. Both slow-moving-undead-zombies and fast-moving-disease-zombies are likely to decimate a large portion of the world's population. Why, you ask? Honestly, its because most of the world's population isn't very smart.
Anyway, assuming you survive wave upon wave of the risen dead, you'll likely be called upon to help repopulate the earth. That'll be the fun part, it goes without saying. So practice early and often kids. Its dark days ahead before you get that kinky kinky reward at the end of the tunnel.
Finally, on the repopulating note - I will strenuously recommend that any man or woman who had permanent anti-fertility treatments or surgeries performed, attempt to reverse them as soon as Patient Zero is discovered. Your surgeon or OB-GYN will not stay in business long with the undead running around and you're of no use to the world without the babymakers functioning.
----------------
That's all for now kids. Stay safe and if someone you don't know tries to bite you - don't be flattered - START RUNNING!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
None of This Will Matter
...but right now it totally does.
I'm desperately putting off getting ready for my career services meeting. Well, that's an overstatement. Its in an hour and I totally have this under control. Really. Its just that PJ's and an unmade bad are, quite frankly, really decadent for me right now. And everyone needs a little decadence in their life at times. So on goes the music...
There's not much to get ready for anyway. I know exactly what I'm going to tell them.
- I want a job in criminal prosecutions or public interest law.
- I want it to be in one of the major east coast markets: Boston, NYC, DC, Miami? (yeah, not so much).
- I want to get paid.
Its the last one that narrows the job search quite a bit. Public interest law and paid internship aren't terms that go together as much as law firm and paid internship do. We'll see how it goes.
Then, joy of joys, I have a dentist appointment. I mention that not because it is interesting now, but because it has major implications for when the zombie apocalypse comes. It seems prudent to throw in a little tidbit with all the mundane goodness of my life. Ya know, so there will be more people around to repopulate the earth... and stuff.
Anyway...
Zombie Tip of the Day
Take regular trips to the dentist.
Once the zombie apocalypse comes, there is simply not going to be universal healthcare (take that Obama). More importantly, there won't be a lot of dentists hanging around to clean your teeth. If they're smart they'll have activated their own evacuation plans already.
Dirty teeth are a major cause of serious illness. How annoying would it be to fend off the zombie hoards just to die of gingivitis or something a year later? That's a 'shake your fist at God' moment right there. But it doesn't have to be! Just make sure your teeth are sparkly and cavity free while society is still in tact and keep a toothbrush in your survival kit.
That's all for now! Keep working on those Evac Plans, kids!
I'm desperately putting off getting ready for my career services meeting. Well, that's an overstatement. Its in an hour and I totally have this under control. Really. Its just that PJ's and an unmade bad are, quite frankly, really decadent for me right now. And everyone needs a little decadence in their life at times. So on goes the music...
There's not much to get ready for anyway. I know exactly what I'm going to tell them.
- I want a job in criminal prosecutions or public interest law.
- I want it to be in one of the major east coast markets: Boston, NYC, DC, Miami? (yeah, not so much).
- I want to get paid.
Its the last one that narrows the job search quite a bit. Public interest law and paid internship aren't terms that go together as much as law firm and paid internship do. We'll see how it goes.
Then, joy of joys, I have a dentist appointment. I mention that not because it is interesting now, but because it has major implications for when the zombie apocalypse comes. It seems prudent to throw in a little tidbit with all the mundane goodness of my life. Ya know, so there will be more people around to repopulate the earth... and stuff.
Anyway...
Zombie Tip of the Day
Take regular trips to the dentist.
Once the zombie apocalypse comes, there is simply not going to be universal healthcare (take that Obama). More importantly, there won't be a lot of dentists hanging around to clean your teeth. If they're smart they'll have activated their own evacuation plans already.
Dirty teeth are a major cause of serious illness. How annoying would it be to fend off the zombie hoards just to die of gingivitis or something a year later? That's a 'shake your fist at God' moment right there. But it doesn't have to be! Just make sure your teeth are sparkly and cavity free while society is still in tact and keep a toothbrush in your survival kit.
That's all for now! Keep working on those Evac Plans, kids!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)